Verus Amor

This is the view that I woke up to for three days last week. Greece was absolutely beautiful. Although in a functional manner I preferred Athens to Santorini. But I do think that Santorini would be nice to spend a few summer days on. Being there made me thing about living in Europe, maybe it will be the next place I will find myself after the city. I don’t see myself leaving anytime soon though. I would like it to be warmer, I feel like I have been walking around in brutal cold for year rather than probably what adds up to two months, this was a pretty mild winter. And I know when it is 10006 degrees at midnight on summer city nights I will regret wanting it to be warm.

I have been meeting and making friends with someone who I had originally written off as a bar fly and someone who was the playboy dude that just took advantage of the neighborhood girls and their glossed over expression after he could tell them that he owned said bar. But I am realizing (and I find I do this a lot, make a snap judgment and then give it time to prove me wrong). That he is actually a very interesting person to talk to and hear about growing up. I like getting to know new people; he is hosting a letter writing night at a local bookstore. Where the premise is to go and literally write letters. There are a lot of people I would like to keep in better touch with on a level other than Internet notes so I am glad that I have discovered this. It will be nice to spend time with a new personality doing something I was already interested in doing.

I have been thinking about my friend Brandie a lot the past few days, the anniversary of the day she passed away is coming up. It just seems to become a thorn in my side, I miss her and I don’t feel like I had enough time to know her. It’s a hard situation for me sometimes with the idea that I was never apart of a group of friends that she was. But I think I loved her as much, I feel limited in my expression about it because I didn’t share the same social circle, just bits of the outside of it. They seem like a very intense group of people that I am sure I could very well have been friends with, I think I may have just been overwhelmed or intimidated. I miss her none the less and receiving a letter from my friend mikey that I met one of my first weekends at school going through the an emotional time finding out that he had this intestinal or some digestive problem and that he had allowed himself to get so sick. He had to go through two different surgeries, I never knew about the first one. But I did my best to make him feel better about the second one. The saddest part was that he was alone. But he is a strong person. I can see it in him. The last part of the letter he told me I was one of the main reasons he stayed in college against not being happy and having less than enough money. He graduated with a degree in engineering. He is intensely smart; he’ll be amazing once he is out of paying his dues in the army.

All of that has just made me thing about the people in my life. The new decision I made in October, the fact that I have to make the effort to understand true people and true loves. And that there is a difference between romantic love and the people that you whole-heartedly love. I have been going back and forth with this in respect to brandie and matt moving away. I am notoriously awful at letting people know I care for them, I always feel like I am being inappropriate or just silly when I try. I don’t know why. But there are those people. And I was thinking that there are also those people that you loved romantically and you have good memories, but they become memories. And I am fine with that. I have been told for the most part I speak well of those that I have had in my life. Which is a positive I suppose.

I was asked last night “ what is the meanest thing you have ever said to anyone”. I couldn’t think of something I had ever said, mainly I thought about actions rather than words. I thought about being a brat and dramatic and inevitably when you are like that in retrospect you wish you could take it back. But you are where you are for a reason and you being an asshole once in awhile is apart of it. I was talking about it and the person I was talking to said something that made perfect sense. Sometime dramatics are attached to tests. You subconsciously test someone, you get sensitive to things you wouldn’t or react in a strange way. And you are never sure why you are doing or saying what you are because it is so far from your personality. He said to me that in doing this it is a fear tactic to the fact that you are letting go to that person and you are scared that you are letting yourself open to them and you are testing them to see if they will stay around so you can trust them to continue to let yourself open to them. I understand that in my own actions, but in regards to the subconscious and relations I don’t know if I will ever understand the situation or myself. Things are good though, been feeling very whole lately. It’s a good feeling, a very good feeling.

And with that said.